Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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