I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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