Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
