Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize