We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
