I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
