so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
