I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize