He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
