He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
