Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
