What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
