apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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