she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
