I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
