look no pants
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Damn victory sex feels great
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
