Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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