at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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