Did you just see the Batmobile???
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
