ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
