Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
