When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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