Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
