i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
