bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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