OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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