Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
