I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
