don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
