Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
