Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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