Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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