Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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