Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
