i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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