I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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