I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
