Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
