I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
