The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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