Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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