You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
