I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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