Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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