I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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