who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize