guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
