I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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