It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize