Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
