Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
