I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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