I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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