I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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