i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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