I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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