May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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