Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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