First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
