I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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