we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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