If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
