Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
