found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
